A Child Called "It", David
Briar Rose, Becca
setting: Becca's parents house from Briar Rose
It was a warm autumn day, which was rare around these parts. The oak tree outside Becca's parents' house was losing it red-orange leaves one by one. Her mother was at the store, and her father was at work, so Becca had the house to herself. She was making a sandwich for lunch when she heard a knock at the door. As she hurried to the front door to answer it, she wondered who it could be. Becca looked out the peephole; a man was standing outside with a newspaper in his hand. He was average height, slim, and had brown hair. He didn't look dangerous so she decided to answer the door. Besides, she had taken some self-defense courses a while ago if anything bad were to happen.
"Hello, how may I help you?" she asked.
"Hi, you don't know me but I'm David and I read your article in the Advocate, and I was fascinated by it," he replied.
"Really?" Becca was shocked, she'd only published Gemma's story because Stan had insisted she did.
"It's an amazing piece, and if you don't mind, I was wondering if we could talk about it, maybe over coffee?" David asked shyly.
"Sure, would you like to come inside?" she asked.
"Yes, that'd be wonderful," he replied happily.
The two of them went inside and David waited at the dining room table while Becca made sandwiches for the both of them. Then, Becca brought out the sandwiches. When she walked into the dining room, she noticed David was staring at the pictures of her family on the wall. Becca and David chatted over lunch about the article. David loved how Becca put so much time and effort in to figure out Gemma's story. It felt good to talk about Gemma's story with someone other than her family and friends.
As lunch was wrapping up, David started to seem a little uncomfortable. Becca thought it was because he didn't like the chocolate cake she had given him for dessert. Suspecting that, David assured her that the cake was delicious. Then he admitted that he had come to meet her for more than one reason. It wasn't just how much he loved Gemma's story, it was how much he loved the togetherness of the family. He told her it was something he never had, and when Becca asked about his family he seemed a little hesitant. Becca then realized that maybe she had crossed the line. David took a deep breath though and let it all out. He told her all about his childhood and what his life had been like. How he had been abused for most of his childhood and bullied. He poured his heart out to her, and Becca had no idea what to say. All she could say to him was sorry. He said it was all right because it had made him who he was today. They chatted for a little while more, about current events and things like that, but it was almost four and David had to go home to cook dinner. As Becca walked David out she said, "It was really nice talking to you, and I'm really glad you stopped by."
"No my pleasure, it felt good to talk someone about everything," he responded.
"That couldn't be more true," Becca said, while nodding.
"Maybe we could stay in contact, I'll give you my email address," he asked tentatively.
"That'd be great, let me get a pen and paper," she said and she walked to the desk for a post-it and a pen for the both of them. David wrote down his email and phone number and gave it to Becca, and Becca did the same for him.
"Well, I'll be going now," he said, almost sadly.
"Alright then, have a good evening," she replied.
"You too, bye Becca," he said, smiling.
"Goodbye David." she said, and she closed the front door.
After David left, Becca began thinking. Not all princesses get the fairytale ending they wanted, and not everyone gets the perfect life they dream about. But in the end, as long as you have friends and family who love you, that's all that really counts.
Friday, September 11, 2009
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I really like the ending to this story. I like how it all tied together in those last few sentences. I thought it was also very true, not everyone does get there ferry tale ending, and I feel that most people can relate to that, including myself.
ReplyDeleteI felt that the dialogue between Becca and David was very believable. An example of this is, "It's an amazing piece, and if you don't mind, I was wondering if we could talk about it, maybe over coffee?" David asked shyly. I can defiantly see someone saying that in real life. There were a few lines in there that I couldn’t, my advice for that is thinking how you or a friend would phrase something, then write it.
Not all princesses get the fairytale ending they wanted, and not everyone gets the perfect life they dream about. But in the end, as long as you have friends and family who love you, that's all that really counts. I really like this quote, I think it’s so true to life, and so many people can say this is fitting in their life in one way or another.
To improve your story I would include a little more dialogue, and maybe check your run on sentences. I think that the plot of the story was quite good, and there were no spelling or grammar errors that I saw. And that really impressed me.
For future assignments give some more detail, and don’t be afraid to use more dialogue. But other than that I give this story two thumbs up Tess! Keep up the fabulous work kiddo! =)